I am pretty sure that everyone has a point in their life that they have doubts and they don't know why are they even placed on earth on the first place.
I guess I have been feeling that way for the past couple of weeks, and it sucks.
I just can't stop but think to myself, why am I here.
What am I going to do after I graduate?
Why did I even choose freaking Music Theatre Performance as my major instead of sticking to something more... practical, like economy or mass communication?
Where am I going to live even if I get to stay here in the States, and how on earth will I be able to support myself?
Will I be one of those people struggling and trying to make it big in this competitive industry that works like a dog in a diner restaurant during day, and rushes for rehearsals and auditions at night?
Seriously, what is the use of having a freaking 3.8 CGPA right now.
How is it going to contribute to my MY career in less than 18 months?
No one is going to look at my GPA and be like..
"owh, you are smart. we want smart people. you are hired to play Kim in Miss Saigon."
*rolls eyes at myself*
Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I wish.
Life is pretty tough right now that I have to balance work, studies, rehearsals, meetings, friends, boyfriend, and more rehearsals.
The fact that my rehearsals has started has effected my pay cheque (because I can't work as much as I use to) just gets to me because what if that happens to me after I graduate too?
I am still lucky enough to have a tad bit of allowance from my parents, just enough to cover rent and eat.
It's not like back home in Malaysia where rent, bills and food is never a worry for me.
But after I graduate, there won't be anymore once-in-a-while luxurious meals or presents for myself anymore because I would have to pay my own rent, bills, and expenses.
What more living in the city of Big Apple.
I need to tell myself that I am good enough.
I need to tell myself and not be embarrassed for who I am and what I dream to be.
*screams out loud*
I just don't know how to feel about myself right now.
Sometimes I am just embarrassed of what I aspire to be.
Yes, I have big dreams and I have a vision for myself, but I don't want to be labeled as one of those people who does nothing but daydream, that is why I am afraid to admit my goals and who I want to be in life.
It reminds me of a typical 7 year old kid talking about what she wants to be when she grows up.
Teacher: " So, what are the three things you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil Girl: " First, I want to be a singer because I love to sing. Second, I want to be a teacher because I want to be like you. Third, I want to vet because I love my dog."
Don't laugh, but isn't this what almost every girl aspires to be?
Maybe not a vet, but I am pretty sure that almost every girl has a singer, actress, or model in her list.
I was talking to someone the other day....
abc: "So, what do you want to do with your degree?"
Yenn: "erm..... teach."
(obviously not?! At least not before I start a family. What do you think I came all the way here to study for? to teach?)
Jeph: "Babe... are you sure?
Yenn: "erm.... well, of course I want to perform..."
Yup, that is how much confidence I have in myself... and I am not exaggerating at all.
I have problems with people telling me that I am good.
I have problems with people telling me that I am beautiful.
I have problems with the fact that I can do it.
Truthfully speak, I am so afraid. So damn afraid of life after school, but since I have already chosen this path, I can't do anything about it but to suck it up and get through it. I keep telling myself to trust God because eventually things will unfold itself, and the only thing I need to worry about is getting the first right step.
So, since dreams are free.
Let me share what I dream to be.
(promise that you guys will not judge me on this)
*Tells myself: Aim for the moon, if I fall, I'll still fall among the stars*
~ I dream to be one of the first few Malaysians to perform live on Broadway's stage.
~ Lea Salonga is my idol and she is who I want to be, representing Malaysia.
~ Michelle Yeoh is also another idol and motivation in my life. I want to be as internationally known and as successful as she is in this complicated industry without having to give up her self dignity.
There, I have laid it all out.
This is me, this is who I am and who I want to be.
I will shine and ignore all those negative thoughts I have and what people have put into me.
I will embrace my future and know that I have people who love me to back me up no matter what happens.
*I can do everything, through Christ that strengthens me*
You know what?
I feel better already now.
Thanks for listening.