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Sunday, February 08, 2009

Reach for the Starz's Journey to the Past

I just realize that I never put my emotions up front in my blog.
I kinda feel that I am losing that personal blogger touch that I use to have and I am just updating what I do, and not so much of what I feel anymore.
What is the point of blogging anyways?

I use to do it because most of my friends did it.
I wanted to joined the clan I suppose.
It was fun. The journey of uploading pictures, things that I did, and getting comments about my life and pictures were... entertaining.
It was the...... "owh I love the attention and popularity days."
I was clicking through my old posts and I am so embarrassed with the fact that I sucked so much at blogging. No sentence structure, spelling errors because I didn't bother reading through before posting it, 'I think I am cool slangs', and super *loh soh* stories of I did this and I ate that.
Later, blogging became part of my life because it would be the place of venting my thoughts, frustrations, love, hate, ideas, feelings... and I guess too much personal details.
That's when I got into trouble.

A list of unfortunate events happened.
And you know what?
Let's talk about it. It was two years ago, and of anyone wants to penalize me for talking about it, scr*w you. I'm in another country anyways, so there is nothing anyone can do about it to hurt me more.

Here's what I found from a very old blog post of mine about what happened.

"One fine day, kT told me that Aunt XX told Aunt ZZ that i appear in Seventeen Magazine in a bikini. Well, i guess they were just concern. I appreciate that. Aunt ZZ then told kT's parents bout me in the bikini and then kT's parent had a chat with him. They advised him to tell me about it. Which I REALLY Thank u for doing so. kT told me the 2nd day. Well, i was quite shocked as I didn't know such a small teeny weeny thing could cost SO Much trouble.

I was actually very hurt because they could have came straight to me rather than going all around. I felt that they were backstabbing me. Also, if they think dressing revealing is a sin, what makes u think gossiping isn't? If u didn't wanna come straight to me, why can't u go to my mum then? Instead of going to my (then) Boyfriend's parents? What do you mean by that? Well, in my point of view, on that photo shoot day, I was having my 'visit'. Obviously, I couldn't wear a bikini bottom. So they gave me the bikini top. If u wanna compare, the girls were either wearing the bikini top or the bikini bottom. So how? Secondly, we were modeling for a Swim Wear company, Roxy. Its all about bikinis, monokinies and board shorts. No Baju Kurungs. Thirdly, I was modeling at Sunway Lagoon Surf Beach where EVERYONE was wearing BIKINIES!! I wasn't standing out. If I were dressed like that in a mall, shoot me however u want. gossip as much too. But I'm at Sunway Lagoon. Does it ring a bell to u?

For your info, I was modeling for Seventeen Magazine. Read the word TEEN I am not posing Nude, I am not topless. I am wearing a swimsuit. Or at least a swim top. The magazine is mostly read by young ladies and there is NOTHING sensual about the mag. I am also sure they won't put anything too sensual in the Magazine also rite?

For what I know, at least for what God is concern, my heart is pure. I did not steal, I did not lie, I did not bomb any building. God looks at the inside rather the outside.
who cares if u r dressed up like a Egyptian Mummy n u go around sleeping with other people?? Also, if u r afraid that guys would get turned on.. The situation would be the same if u put a lady in Baju Kurung in front of a Lustful guy. He will still fantasize and undress you with his eyes. Its the heart that matters most.

If u think that I'm sinning against God for wearing a bikini, what makes u think that you are not sinning for judging people? At least i din do anything to hurt people physically nor emotionally. On the other hand, I felt that u hurt my feelings and u caused other people to think of me differently...

I don't know but no offense to anyone. I'm just speaking my mind. I just hope that you all would support what I am doing and not back stab me. I'll be glad if u all would b able to make it to my finals with a supporting heart. I hate to say this but, If u guys r going there just to look at my performance and to judge it, then spread gossips about it, I rather u not come.
Thankfully, I had my friends"

*Laugh out loud*

It is so funny having to read what I wrote two years ago and still remember every single detail and hurt I went through. It is even funnier that I am here in the United States and every where I go during summer, girls will be in bikini tops regardless if they are on the beach or even just outside their house gardening.

Some people are just so shallow minded that no matter what you do, they will still find a single teeny weeny mistake you did so that they can judge you.
Well you know what, to heck I care because I live for myself and not for you.
But since then, I closed myself. I realized that it was not worth the drama.

I had thoughts if I wanted to keep my blog or not because it was like a public diary and anyone from anywhere could have just dug my shyte and stab me with my own words.
I decided to ignore my crazy thoughts and kept it.

Later, my blog became a station of updates.

Friends and family would drop by occasionally to see how and what was I up to since I am all the way round at the other side of the globe.
It was a good sense of communication and update without having to talk too much.
For example, my cousin just uploaded pictures of my new house back home (the one that I have not seen before).
I would not know about it if I had stop blogging because I would not blog hop as much.
So, its a good thing that I still am keeping the blog.
And I never regretted it.

Now, I find people through my blog that I never thought that I could talk to.
Personals that I never knew existed, friends who I have never spoken to but have so much in common at the same time.
My blog has been part of my life for almost four years now, and I still do look back on what I write two three years ago, laughing at all the childish slangs and spelling errors that come along.

Happy 40th month old blog.

I will be anticipating the day my children google my name on the world wide web, finding you, and reading through my ups and downs.
Haha... Laugh all you want, but I am serious ok.

1 comment:

DarLyNn said...

Ooo....emo. *sobs*

Will always be here for you dear. Muacks.<3