Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My one and only bag of baked Flat Earth Chips.
So damn good. At least I do not have to worry about sodium or fat content because I know that Flat Earth all naturally flavored and has no Corn Syrup in it. That evil thing.
It has 1/2 a serving of real vegetables baked into every ounce
Good source of Vitamin A & C
ZEEROH grams of trans fat
Whether it is a marketing plan or not, I still love em.
As I pulled open the sides, guess what I realized?
Hahaha.... made my night.
Halloween Dance in 3 days. Can't wait!
Let's see how many people is dressing up as Michael Jackson this year.
I wonder when will I actually stop and chill out.
Owh wait, I just did during the weekend at the Big Apple.
It's a vacation, but not really. We were still rushing to places and never got to have enough sleep especially when we had to wake up at 4 in the morning on the days we flew.
Halloween is this weekend. Last one here in Kalamazoo.
Gotta get my ass up to my first theatre party.
How pathetic can I be?
A senior and never been to a theatre party. It is a sin!
Gotta break out from my comfort zone.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
So many things to do, so little time.
New York tomorrow morning, forecasts said that it was going to rain. Of all days to lose the umbrella.
Eating dry cereal for breakfast. Fun, but not so fun.
My girls who are dancing for the Halloween night are awesome.
I should get going to class now, why am I still here listening to Lynn snore soundly beside me.
Everybody is getting sick, Swine flu invasion!!!
I have 2 midterms today. Oh sh*t.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Since I have been rehearsing for the musical that I am involved in *Carousel*, I have been listening to this song every night since it is it's theme song, which was made famous by Liverpool.
I am not being melodramatic but it never fails to make me me tear up because it's word are so meaningful.
I know that I have probably been in the lowest moments of my life within these past two weeks.
I apologize if I have indirectly dragged anyone down with me.
I know that being emotional, and being around someone emotional would really affect people around you.
It's just, sometimes I really don't know what to do but to cry when I feel extremely low.
But then again, looking on the bright side, I am truly grateful that mum helped me realize that I am extremely fortunate to have so many supportive friends and family around me whether they are physically here with me or not.
Although so many bad things happened within these two week, I was just too low and down in the dumps that I was blinded. Too blind to see those little meaningful things and encouragement that people said, and left on my facebook wall.
I was emotionally exhausted on Wednesday night when I was hit by the big news, and had so much trouble letting it go and moving on that I literally skipped my classes on Thursday because I was just so emotionally drained that I am physically and mentally exhausted.
Come to think about it, it was not even any big news. I guess it just happened at the wrong time. I feel stupid and silly, crying so much for something that could be easily solved. I guess it was just the emotions taking a toll in my life at that point.
Things looked brighter on Thursday when I manage to get some rest physically. I knew that I was actually killing my immune system for being so stressed. I made sure I took my supplements just so that I would not get sick because I just can't afford it.
I hurt myself really badly on Friday afternoon, in fact I pulled a ligament on my neck, and I could not move my upper body at all because I was so in pain. I hated the way my body tensed up when I feel any emotion, even when I laughed.
That was another breaking point for me, I just came home after rehearsal and cried and cried, and finally fell asleep after Lynn helped me rub on some traditional medicine on my aching neck and shoulder muscles.
Things are becoming better. Every once in a while I would feel like crying for no apparent reason although I am hanging with friends. I'm glad that I am surrounded by people who truly care about me. They really are my family away from home.
Thanks guys. And most of all, thanks Lynn.
miss you mum, dad, and jeph
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Have you had those times when you freaking try and try and try and try, but you just don't understand how things work? You just don't effing get it.
I am so angry with myself. I am so humiliated. I want to turn back time. I want to relive my past.
I am so disappointed.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Jolene Khor, everybody :)
I just realized that we DO NOT have a picture together. That's a sin! Must must!
Since, sharing is caring.
Here it is.
Hello world, I am Sue-Yenn
Her footsteps were even, almost measured, sounding “tuck tuck tuck tuck” every step to her door way at Redwood Avenue. Fumbling with her keys on her right hand, she let her brown hair linger in between her fingers on her left. The wind blowing below her earrings around her neck awakened her tired senses and the weight of her bag pack ceased to exist as her foot began lifting themselves to tap dance and trot the rest of her way back home.
She waltzed into her house and sunk into her two-seater sofa, pulling her phone out of her pocket as it vibrated through her blue jeans. 15 minutes later, a knock on the door forced her out of her comfort. “Hey you, come on in!” she opened the wooden door to the blazing sunlight and the sight of me. Despite our lack of acquaintance, she began opening up akin to a best friend; all I had to do was sit down and ask, politely, for her life story. It was like I had explicitly opened someone’s intimate diary in their unperturbed presence.
“I knew what I wanted to do since I was a child,” she started. “When I was little, my mom asked me what I wanted to do growing up. There wouldn’t be a moment of hesitation before I said I want to perform, I want to perform, I want to perform.” Her clearly enunciated words flew smoothly without turbulence from her lips, landed on the clean page opened on my VAIO notebook, but her eyes, with a single mention of her dream, it was her eyes that spoke more passion and conviction than her diction could convey. I did not know who she was other than her name, Sue Yenn Ng, and her place of birth, Malaysia but I was sold.
She twirled her hair with her index finger, looking out the window at the voluminous trees outside and their orange tinted leaves that would soon be naked in November, shading the small pools of water collected in the ridges of asphalt when she revealed her big plan to pack her bags and head northeast to New York to pursue theatre. Graduation may only come for her after next Spring, but I sensed immediacy in her voice; she was one of the last youth on the planet who understood the cruel intricacy of time.
As grand as the idea of New York may be, two years of raw experience as a non-equity actor in Michigan is weak due to the intimidation the Big Apple can cast on a 21 year old foreign student all the way from Malaysia. That wet foggy morning on her brown suede couch, I caught it – the rare passing moment when she looked away wistfully as if the only thing alive in the room was her and her buzzing television, even when she was talking to me. I stole a moment of her private reflection, her faraway stare and deafening silence sucked me into a vacuum void of everything except the things she was going to tell me next.
Back in her hometown Kuala Lumpur, Sue Yenn looked in the mirror and liked how she saw “somebody”. She was not a nobody – She won first place in the 17 Magazine Star Search contest, she represented Malaysia to Singapore for an acting gig. She felt worshipped by kids in her mother’s kindergarten school. Even so, it wasn’t really good enough by Sue Yenn’s standards. Jack of all trades, she may have been; her voice soared when she sang, her fair limbs floated with grace and charge when she danced and her heart filled with zest when she performed for gung ho crowds during cheerleading in high school, but her lack of formal training made her feel restrained and mediocre even when she was at her best – something she continued to deal with alone when she travelled halfway across the world to Western Michigan University after being accepted into their prestigious theatre program.
Burying her insecurity and self-critique behind closed doors, Sue Yenn watched herself take two steps back during her first year in college despite her many steps forward with a diploma of singing in hand accompanied with priceless exposures to violin and guitar. Closeted and trapped in her Asian skin that only brought cultural barriers which conceded relationships with locals, the first semester breezed by. Without much going on except hopping on the bus at 10 a.m. to class, supplying herself with a daily dose of intimidation and inadequacy, she would go home to an empty house that never became a home until her sister Sue Lynn joined her four solitary months later.
When Sue Lynn who is two years older reached the shores of Kalamazoo, life was a little less lonely for her baby sister. “Do you know those hot air balloons that seem to drift in the air aimlessly?” Sue Yenn questioned me when I asked of her relationship with her Psychology majoring sister. “Have you seen those weights that hold them down so they don’t go all over the place? Well Lynn’s just that. She’s my anchor.”
Most of Sue Yenn’s second semester back in January 2008 was spent working endless hours at Campus Kitchen. “I need the money. I’m sick of working at the cafeteria but my mom said to me, “I’m paying for your education, not to maintain you.”” she told me earnestly. She went on to explain that her parents give both her and her sister money only for rent which is $500 monthly and tuition fees. Nothing more, nothing less. “Mom wants us to fish, not give us fish.”
For serving plates after plates of tortilla chips with French onion dip, fried rice with Chinese pork sausage and macaroni and cheese, she made minimum wage along with not only jaundiced, scrunched up dollar tips but another benefit on the sides. Working with locals gave Sue Yenn a platform to build friendships she needed in order to feel assimilated with the Western culture. It was ironic. The 21 year old came to America to make something of herself in the theatre scene but it was when she busted tables to make long ends meet that she socialized and felt like it was her first, “Hell world, my name is Sue Yenn” moment. And the rest, as I would say it, is history in the making.
Our firsts of experiences may not be what make our lives, but they sure make our memories. Firsts usually occur when we were young – perhaps the reason why they are forever etched in our minds, refusing, dejecting any attempts of dismissal – and though we may overlook them or in Sue Yenn’s case, look too much into them, years down the winding road we would eventually see them with new pair of eyes and be reminded of what was and notice what was not.
Miss Saigon was supposed to be Sue Yenn’s perfect first. It was her first semester at WMU, her first official audition as a serious actress and she felt her destiny calling to her. Miss Saigon was the reason why she wanted to act. When she walked into the audition hall and found that she was the only Asian in the wilderness she was confident the part belonged to her and no one else. Destiny. She looked the part, she played the part. The only problem – she did not get the part. “I was the walking Miss Saigon among the sea of Caucasian faces who auditioned! I remember thinking to myself, I must have been so bad to not have gotten the leading role,” the almost-Miss-Saigon confessed. “I was devastated, completely upset.”
When her shot came to test her acting chops for the second time on American soil, Sue Yenn did what she does best in defiance of her self-esteem resting restlessly on a thin barbwire; simply because she knew what she wanted and she knew how to get it – audition. On present day, Sue Yenn turned to me with a straight face, “Here’s the thing. I learned the most valuable lesson an actor can learn the hard way. An actor’s job is to audition, not to act. If you are lucky, you get the gig. That’s how it is.”
The audition was a role in The 25th Putnam County Spelling Bee theatre production. No it was not Miss Saigon, but it was a chance to work with professional equity actors at a small recognized theatre. The entire theatre department in Western Michigan University competed with 1,800 others from all over the nation. There were nine parts to be auditioned for and casted, three of which were snagged by WMU pupils. This time, Sue Yenn was one of them who travelled 75 minutes every summery Tuesday to Thursday for a month to Mason Street Warehouse in Saugatuck.
Her debut success suspended part her lack of self-belief, sunk her incredulity of her capabilities to lower levels but it also raised a new concern, one that posed as much as an obstacle as a blessing in disguise. “I hate being an Asian actor. Roles in plays are mostly based on the original cast, and how many solid Asian roles are out there for grabs, you know?” For those who have modesty holding their backbone in place, accompanied with a spine weakened by self-consciousness, they question their success as an involuntary reflex. “The breakout role I got was an Asian schoolgirl in Spelling Bee. For a long time I wondered if I got that role just because I was Asian and I was needed to fill the part.”
After an hour of burying her toned full-figure in the comfort of crème cashmere blanket and suede pillows, Sue Yenn rose to split her legs to her sides and stretched to reach her toes. As chatty as ever, she said, “Another thing that sucks about being Asian, and I’m sure you get me here – we were taught to shut up. Right? Right?” She was turning her head towards Sue Lynn for accord. Sue Lynn, who came home from lunch an hour ago and had been observing her sister tell her life story since, nodded. She continues, “In Chinese elementary school we were taught to shut up and just tahan tahan tahan.” Tahan means ‘endure’ in the Malay language. “We had trouble opening up and talking to people here because of our culture back home,” Sue Lynn offered.
As if being a minority in a foreign country isn’t enough of a challenge, Sue Yenn doesn’t think the small town geography of Kalamazoo helps. Three weeks ago Sue Yenn travelled east to New York to visit her vacationing mother and felt perfectly in place at that corner of America because “to be a minority in New York is to be the majority.” Kalamazoo is pretty much otherwise. Last summer, Sue Yenn and four of her best girlfriends popped into Y-bar for a girls’ night out. But when they made a trip into the bathroom together with beers in hands, giggles and harmless gossip on their lips, an American on her way out walked into them and announced with snide, “Woah. Asian invasion!” Her friends continued giggling, but Sue Yenn did not.
She certainly was now, giggling away while recalling how mean girls can be to each other. Sue Yenn grew up as an avid church-goer, but her father who now works in Bangladesh and is in a long distance relationship with her mother, was not Christian. So in a feeble attempt to nudge his way into the holy temple every Sunday, Sue Yenn with Sue Lynn performed every Christmas. It was year 1994 when she was to perform Silent Night with the choir with a solo on her part in front of her family and close friends. A perfectionist even at 6, she practiced every night even though she was losing her little voice. On Christmas Eve, her solo came like she anticipated, but her sweet voice did not. She froze. After the performance, the pastor’s snotty daughter came up to Sue Yenn backstage and said, “The whole performance was perfect, until you ruined it.” Sue Yenn was upset, she didn’t remember if she cried, and the night might not have been perfect, but at that moment it certainly was ruined.
Having done some growing up since then, Sue Yenn realizes now it is not about being perfect, but “to have friends in the theatre world you have to be somebody. If you are talented, people would want to know you. But if you’re too good, you become intimidating. It is good to be at par, in between the two.” With that being said, Sue Yenn remains grounded to Earth despite being awarded a theatre scholarship worth a thousand dollars a year.
Rubbing her feet tired from doing bombershays in class, she told me about her packed schedule which includes rehearsals for a traditional musical theatre Carousel. As tired as she said she is expecting her body to be starting next week, with Mondays to Fridays of 8 a.m. classes that progress to work until 9 p.m., which moves on with dance practices that end at 11 p.m., she had a face of someone who is doing what she loves and there is not a hint of dread. If anything, she sounded excited to begin.
“I barely have leisure time. When my friends ask me out, my answer is always, “I can’t, I’m sorry.” Well, I can, that is if I don’t ever shower or sleep,” she laughs. As a performer, Sue Yenn feels she needs to take care of herself – watches what she eat, get enough sleep. “That one time I went to Y-bar with my girls, I drank once to toast to a friend’s birthday. Not only did I get snapped by the ‘ang moh’ in the bathroom, I had a late night – I went to bed at 3 a.m. Next morning during my voice lesson, I could not sing – at all! I croaked my way through 15 minutes before my instructor sent me home.”
“But I have no complains. My life is great. I am lucky to be in America, doing what I always wanted to do.”
“Really? Are you sure?” Sue Lynn teases.
“Well okay, if I can have one thing in my life right now… I want a professional masseuse in my house massaging every inch of my body every night!”
All credits to Jolene. I even stole her picture. =.="
One heck of a writing skill huh.
Feel so *pai-seh* that I cannot write anything like she lorh...
Maybe that's why I am a Music Theatre Performance major and she belongs to the world of creative writing called Journalism.
Keep it up babe, I'll see you in New York Times one day.
Or, you could just write a musical, and I can be in it. hahahaha... :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
But when weekend came, all I thought about was you.
I have not heard a word, not even from the wind,
I wonder what are you up to now, handling a M-16?
I watched Couple's Retreat yesterday night,
It's an okay movie I guess,
But watching it alone without you reminds me
Of the time that you would put your arms around me, to keep me warm in the theaters.
I miss you so much,
I was at the Grotto today with the same gang
That place really made me think of you even more,
How we would walk there for $3 dollar burgers, and half off dishes,
My first beer.
Miss you much.
Wishing you were somehow here again,
Wishing you were somehow near.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Everyone: What happen? Why are you limping?
Yenn: Owh, I hurt myself.
Yenn: Eh... Kicked my own ankle? *like seriously, how is that even possible*
The sight of me getting frustrated with myself because I walk too slow with both feet, and then start taking off, hopping on one leg in full speed to get to my destination.
Yeah. I don't even know what's wrong with it.
It's just. Swelled, and annoyingly painful.
The physician told me that it was a 2nd degree strain. Heck, I don't even know what that means.
I never thought that Tap would be a dangerous dance. I mean, you basically only use the body parts below your hips. But kicking your ankle hard with a metal heel shoe is NOT smart AT ALL.
Sucks that I have to stay out of doing anything physical for about 5 days, and apparently I have 3 dance classes this semester, 5 times a week, work every single day which requires me to run around, rehearse 5 times a week for the new musical this semester, and my only source of transportation would be my humble feet.
And the only thing I can do is ice it, elevate it (not a comfy position if you ask me), and not use it.
Know what's funny?
My right foot is starting to hurt right now because I used it so much more because my left foot is handicapped.
Me no like. *sobs*
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
If I remembered correctly, for the past two years at this time I was still wearing light cardigans.
I loved the sun rays that shined on the bright colored yellow, orange, and red leaves.
On the contrary, this year is all gloomy, rainy, and cold.
For a person who is on campus for more than 13 hours a day and walks from one end to the other end of campus, and back home, I am certainly not a huge fan of it.
That was not my point.
Jeph left for the navy today.
Yes. Time flew.
It seems like it was just yesterday when we first met.
It seems like it was just yesterday when he told me that he liked me.
It seems like it was just yesterday when he told me that he wanted to do something bigger and more meaningful with his life.
It seems like it was just yesterday when I told him: "Babe, I will support you in your career. Go live your dreams."
It seems like it was just yesterday when he said: "Love, I can't wait for my military life to start. I have to wait 8 more long months!"
It seems like it was just yesterday when he finally grew the b*lls to tell his parents that he signed with the Navy.
It seems like it was just yesterday when he started working out again, pushing himself to be better than what the Navy required.
It seems like it was just yesterday when I told him that I regretted supporting him because it finally kicked in that he was really leaving.
It seems like it was just yesterday when we said goodbye to his parents and he acted all macho so that his dad would not see him cry.
It seems like it was just yesterday when I saw his Fraternity brother hugged him and picked him up and not let him go because that was the last they were going to see each other unless who knows when.
It seems like it was just yesterday when he broke down in tears saying that he does not want to leave home.
It seems like it was just yesterday when I told him that I loved him and I will wait.
It seems like it was just yesterday when he told me that this was for our future.
He is gone now. Probably asleep, awaiting his future tomorrow at 4.30am when he will be shipped off and officially sworn into the Navy.
I cried. We cried.
I cried whenever I thought of him smiling at me.
And yet, I thought that it was going to be easy because I have said goodbyes so many times, that I should be a pro in holding my emotions in.
I hate the fact that we could not even have any form of communication until his boot camp ends.
I cried so hard that they sky cried with me. It rained the entire day. It was so gloomy, as if the heavens were mourning for our part. At least it feels like it.
My acting teacher said: "Use this in your acting. Remember this feeling."
I hate this feeling. I hate goodbyes.
Till I hear from you again my best friend, my confidante, my comforter, my bolster at night, my partner in crime, my Filipino boy, my love.
Let's see where fate takes us.
I know you'll do yourself, your family, us, and your country proud.
Only You - Acoustic Version.MP3 - David Choi
Love you much.
Monday, October 05, 2009
And of course I was pretty darn excited since Betsey Johnson is known to have chic dresses, funky apparels and chunky accessories.
One of my favorite dresses. An elegance with a spunk.
Check it out at betseyjohnson.com
For most readers who read my posts a while ago, they would know that Bobo was extremely involved in the catwalk at Western ever since she volunteered herself for Western's Fashion Design department's showcase last year with their annual MODA Fashion Show.
Here are all her supporters (including Jo of course, who was snapping the picture).
Bega, Jeong, Jeph and I
Obviously, the theme of the night was Black and Pink
Sassy Bobo, star of the night with Pin Curls and I
Jeong and I
And of course, Jephie and I
Bobo at the catwalk
Strutting for stuff
One of the few dresses that I absolutely adore.
Bobo looking old school which reminded me a lot of the Chinese Classic Teresa Teng Pop star.
Hmmm... not much resemblance I know.
I guess it was the style of the classic pin curls, bob fringe, and red lipstick.
Girls involved with the Betsey Johnson catwalk.
M Bar Go
Weather was pretty awesome for the half outdoor club.
After the fashion show, Jeph and I stayed to dance while the others drove back to Kalamazoo.
Nope, I was totally sober. I swear!
18 hours till Jeph leaves.
What will I do without him.
Picture Credits to Jojo, Bobo, Bega Teoh, and yours truly.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Friday, October 02, 2009
I have approximately half a year prior to graduation, and I still don' know where will I be after that. Of course, my dream is to remain in the United States but it does sucks because of my visa status. How will I get my working visa after that?
I know that many people of my age are freaking out about graduation and the "real life" ahead, but I just find it so unfair that I have an extra burden on my shoulders just because I am not one of those lucky people who were born the the land of dreams and freedom.
Sometimes I think if I am doing the right thing, following my dreams.
Why, why the hell did I not just stick to boring old economics where I can just graduate and work in the corporate world, instead I chose this path of uncertainty and danger.
Why, why, why.
I am so stressed out with life right now.
Rehearsals are starting next week, which means that my day on campus starts at 8.30am all through 10.30pm at night. Excluding extra rehearsals, excluding homework time, excluding any time for my friends and myself because by the time I get home I probably wanna just lay in the bath tub and go to bed right after.
Oh my goodness, I am extremely stressed out.