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Saturday, February 27, 2010


My flight has been cancelled TWICE!
I am literally getting delayed for more than 20 hours.
God, please I want to, need to, have to get to New York.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Riding on the Struggle Bus and Not Going Anywhere

It has been an extremely stressful week.
I am so glad that it is coming to an end.
This is going to sound selfish, but now everything is going to about me, myself, and I.
Life has been so crazy that I don't even have the time to shower.
Believe me, you don't wanna know how many times I shower a week now.
I need some me time.
All I want is a day where I can sleep in, go to the gym, soak myself in bubbles in the tub, make banana bread, and not think about anything in the world.

I am overwhelmed with homework load, freaking out about senior showcase, dealing with a long distance relationship, preparing for a cabaret show, work, rehearsing for CHICAGO, and all sorts of silly little things that leaves me with no time to sit and have a cup of tea.
I just can't breathe anymore.

As I imagine myself ripping the calendar page everyday,
I freak out even more because of the uncertainties in life.
It's as if I have come to the crossroads with everything.
Sad part is that I don't even know what ground am I going to be standing on in the next two months.
I know it's just another transition in life.
It's just that if it's high school, I know that I'll be moving on to college.
At Sunway back then, I know that I'll be studying in WMU.
Now, what am I going to do?!

Work, yes of course.



They say college days are suppose to be the best times of your life.
Come to think about it,
I have not done anything at all!
I never even been on a road trip!
And now I am graduating.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
Feels like I am reaching towards nothing.
I just need to hold on.

Please pray for my showcase on Monday. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Where are you when I need you now?
I hate it when I have 8ams and I'll have to wake up at 6.30 in the morning and waddle through unploughed roads in my old stretched winter boots that don't fit me anymore.

I want the sun.
Part of the reason why I am feeling so down and emotional this week is because you are gone!
I just want to lay out and be outdoors damn it!

Oh Summer, come back to me now.
I'm over Winter, I am over this semester, and I have a serious case of Seniorities and I need you.

GAH.... 2 more days till I fly out to New York for Senior Showcase and I am still stuck with a cold. *roar* I'm so stressed and the weather is just not helping. :(


Monday, February 22, 2010

Dear Daddykins,

Here's a little dedication from your youngest daughter,

I have to say that I am truly blessed that I have a father like you.
Firm, kind, gentle, patient and all, you were always there keeping us in course and reminding us of what is expected of a decent person. Not to brag or whatsoever, but I have received complements of being a great worker, person, student and I know that if it weren't because of you and mom's proper upbringing, I wouldn't be who I am today.

You sacrificed so many things for Lynn and I to study abroad and I know part of the reasons of you working in Bangladesh is to get us through college with the crazy currency rate. I know that it is not easy being a part from mom especially when you both are so close. I know that long distance relationship sucks.

Haha.. family portrait taken on mom's birthday in 2004.
It has been three years since I have celebrated your birthday with you.
I wish I was there, to at least buy you cake and maybe have some coconut whiskey with you :)

Happy Birthday Daddykins.
I love you so much and I will never be where I am right now without you.
I hope that I will never disappoint you and I will make you proud.
Be healthy, stay safe, and take care of yourself ok?

small one.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Random Sick Facts

1. You know that it is the sick season when everyone in the cafeteria drinks tea.

2. You cannot dance when you are nasally congested because instead of performing, you worry about your snort flying out from your nose and landing on someone next to you.

3. Boiling traditional cough medicine that dad brought from Malaysia makes people think I smoked weed because the entire house smells like it.

4. Coughing works your abs.

Till then,
Get well sickos.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Red Packet

It's been three years since I've celebrated Chinese New Year back home in Malaysia.

Which means, its been three years since I have gotten angpaus (red packets).
Which means, its bee three years since I have had a family mee suah breakfast on the first day of Chinese New Year.
Which means, its been three years since I have went visiting houses, eating all sorts of CNY goodies.
Which means, its been three years since I have had Grandma's insaneawesomelicious homemade sharkfin soup, and all the other finger licking dishes she makes.
Which means, it's been 3 years since I have went shopping for new year clothes.


I got my first and only red packet from a Vietnamese Lady aka. my mom at work today.
It has a dollar and a chocolate coin in it.

Absolutely love it.



Sunday, February 14, 2010


Everyday should be the day of love... and then they should have one day where its just about hating people; and the rest of the days you just love the heck out of people." -Ashton Kutcher

I'm not exactly celebrating Valentine's this year, but I just wanna dedicate this special day to Dad in Bangladesh, Mum in Malaysia, Lynn in New Jersey, Jeph in Florida, my framily here in Kalamazoo, and all my other family and friends back home.

I never really knew the value of life till a couple of days ago when I lost someone so dear to my heart for the first time in my entire 21 years of living. It struck me that while growing up I never learned to say I love you to people whom I truly care about due to respect and the typical 'you should not show your emotions because you show the world that you are vulnerable' attitude. Well, you know what? Eff that.

For those out there, you know who you are, thank you for being a part of my life, blessing me in all the ways you can. I love you.

On the other note, Blessed Chinese New Year.
Stay healthy, happy, and wealthy.


Friday, February 12, 2010

I Will Remember You

Taken in A Famosa Malacca, one of the last times we had together before I left for the States.

San Gu Gu (3rd Aunt) and Er Gu Gu (2nd Aunt)

Looking at these pictures made me cry and laugh at the same time.

Dad, his sisters and Uncle Yow.

I love you. I love you. I am glad that I told you I love you.
Something that I never said ever in my life until a week ago, I love you.
I am so glad that I manage to have decent conversation with you a week ago.
I just wished I spoke to you more. I just want to say the I love you one more time.
You will always be in my heart. I am glad that you are in a better place now.
Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me that a person can always be selfless and giving. You are a perfect example of that, and I respect you so much for that.

I am just having this mixed feeling of anger and sadness right now.
Why her God? Why her?

I love you San Gu Gu, I will remember you always and I am happy that you are in a better place right now and not suffering anymore. I love you, that's all I can say.

Rest in peace.

Emo Crap

I get so frustrated with being around people who are bossy and have negative energy.
I remembered clearly last summer when I worked with professional actors from New York and they were all about caring for each other, no competition, or trying to prove-that-they-are-better attitude. Hate it.
One of the biggest reasons why I don't hang out much and I prefer staying home, keeping to myself so I don't have to deal with human politics like that. Makes me sick.

On the other note, why do I always have to be sick when I have auditions? GRRRRRR......
I sound like I am taking through my nose :(

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dates, dates, dates...

February is probably the most festive time in the Spring semester.
Big Sis' Birthday
Bestie Amin's Birthday
Valentine's Day
Chinese New Year

and all that jazz....

Roomies, Mikey (who was taking the picture), Amin, Cheryl and I gave Darlynn and virtual birthday celebration with a real cake too!
I mean, it was the only thing we could do for her since she's all the way in New Jersey.

Virtually fed her too. Lol.

On Friday night Cheryl hosted a surprise party for Amin and Hariz. (didn't have a picture with him). Party was a blast. We made our own Flaming Lamborghini and all.

We waited literally 20 minutes with the candles lit because of many false notices.

Partay partay with Mikey and Jolene

Buttercup Jeong and I

Bega Happy-Face!!

Partay partay till dawn!

Valentine's day and Chinese New Year this weekend.
Any plans?

Saturday, February 06, 2010

To the person that means the most to me,

I will not be who I am without you.
Like said before, you are my anchor in life, always keeping watch for me, pulling me down to earth whenever I 'floated' astray. You were always there for me physically, emotionally, and mentally. And even when you are not here with me by my side physically like how you have been the past 21 years of my life, I always think of your reactions and the things you would say to me. I love you jie. I am so grateful for having a sister like you.
You are a blessing to this world, always giving, and trying to give more.
You bless everyone that goes your way, and although you never fail to leave an "Auntie" impression on everyone, you know that we all respect you for who you are, and will always think of you.

I hope you don't feel too lonely in New Jersey, and please, don't go buy yourself a cake and sing to yourself. Imagine what people around you would say?! Lol.

If I could, I would send you a dozen different flavors of Haagen Dazs Pints just to keep you company, but you know that I can't do that.

I miss you. Stay healthy, and be happy.

I can't wait to see you in March!!!!!

I LOVE YOU BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
will webcam you in 10 mins. muax.

Friday, February 05, 2010


Unlike most of my super talented course mates who have been either singing, dancing, or acting ever since they could walk, I would claim that I am a 'late bloomer' in the acting field. I never in my life really acted until 2 years ago when I came to the States.
Unless you consider running, striping, changing into a different costume while putting minyak angin underneath your eyes to force yourself to cry for the next scene for a high school drama competition, I only started acting in September 2007. Even then, I had so much trouble getting in touch with my emotional self.

People always say, "So you act. That means you can cry on cue."

Well supposedly. Sometimes. I can.

But when you have a whole bunch of stuff to think of (like your lines, blocking, cues, moments in real life to relate to), it is a whole different story.

Most of the time, I blame it on culture because we were taught to shut up in class, we were taught to stop crying when we're in pain, and etc. In other words, suppressed. I remember when my mum and I were in NYC watching Next to Normal (and amazing musical, highly recommended to watch), I was bawling because I was so damn touched by the music and acting and even when I wasn't crying because I was touched, I cried because it was so damn beautiful. Who would have thought that a musical about bipolar syndrome would be interesting, it certainly changed my life. Back to the story, I remember crying and laughing at the same time and my mum who sat next to me just stared at me as if I was insane. She slapped me on the thigh and then nudged me again whenever I sobbed or laugh out loud.
I guess after spending two years in a theatre department learning to express myself, I quickly adapted the 'laugh if you are happy and cry if you are sad habit'.

I am taking a directing class this semester. One of the assignments was to create a silent music scene. Meaning, you have to justify why your characters don't talk, and of course, it being a music scene, we had to look for a song to fit the scene.
My scene was about a boy leaving his girlfriend to join the military (sounds familiar?)
Although we only had one short rehearsal, and I didn't know what the heck I was doing because directing is completely new for me. I thought I was pretty satisfied with the scene and my classmates understood what I was trying to portray.

After the scene, I was placed in the middle of the room for a Q&A session with the rest of the class. I admitted that the hardest thing to do as a director is to not tell the actor to do something, but to guide them to do it. Although I had so much connection with the scene because I was literally living it right now, I had extreme difficulty telling my actors what I specifically wanted out from the scene and what I wanted the audience to feel. I didn't know how to express myself!!
My professor asked me a few questions to help me answer my own questions to justify my scene. And somehow, I got choked up while I was explaining how I was feeling when Jeph left for the Navy and what it felt like to know that I don't even know when would be the next time I will see him again.

I broke down. It was like reliving what happened when when Jeph came to see me in NYC and seeing him leave for good. I remembered watching him turn his back and running towards his cousin's car after he walked me home, looking back at me again before getting in the car, gosh, breaks my heart but I know that I'll have to support him in his decisions.

From an acting stand point of view, great. Now use it.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Guess its Fate

So, there's this audition that I have been dying to go to ever since I heard about it because they were going to do a production of MISS SAIGON sometime during summer. I've waited for them to post up the audition times and places and finally found out that it will be held at Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. I checked out various ways to get there, and the cheapest was to take a train and it would take at least 8 hours. Guess how much it would cost?
At least $200 round trip excluding accommodation because callbacks are the next day.

I asked around to see if anyone would go with me, and the least we could do was split gas money and many take turns driving throughout that 5 and half hour ride.

Finally found someone.

Emailed the theatre company only to find out that there is a waiting list, so there might be a chance of not being seen even if I go. So my friend decided to not go because it would totally be a waste of time if we went and not even be seen.

So I guess, we're not going anymore. I am bummed. Another opportunity went out the door.

I guess it's fate for me to not go.


One the other hand, I just saw the costumes for Chicago.

*huge sigh*

I am literally wearing nothing but skin.
Ok. Maybe I am exaggerating.

I am wearing nothing but lingerie.

Maybe if it was 5 years ago, I wouldn't mind.
But now that I've gained at least 15 pounds since my cheerleading days, and winter is the time you need your flabby flabs to keep you toasty.

This is NOT a good idea.

What the hell. Can someone give me ideas of shredding 10 pounds in a month?!

Monday, February 01, 2010

If You Had The Choice

Given circumstances:

1. You are graduating and you have a whole ton of sh*t to pay for right after.
2. Due to the economy, you are only left 12 hours to work compared to 17-18 last semester.
3. You just bloody need money because who knows what life has installed for you after graduation.


1. You have to, need to go to the gym because it is good for you.
2. Gym was part of your $12,000 dollar tuition fee just this semester! If you don't go, you are stupid.
3. You have a senior showcase in New York this March and you have to look your best.
4. You are performing in the musical CHICAGO, which means that you will probably be half naked.

To stay at work for the extra few bucks or go to the gym because there is no other time left for you to go? Take your pick.

*just keep breathing, just keep breathing*