+ Pages +

Saturday, May 29, 2010


Hey Big Sista...
Congrats on the one year contract that you just signed with that prestigious Montesorri School that you are working at in Manhattan. I am so glad that everything is working out for you.
Hopefully, I can do as well as you when I get there.
Now that you've set the bar so high, damn it. 
It would suck if I didn't succeed as well as you. Just kidding.

Love you much, and stop stressing out.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I need to be motivated

Morning. Morning. Wait. It's 2.31pm.
Good Afternoon.
My one month vacations is soon coming to an end and what have I done thus far?

Hmmm... I worked every morning at 6.30am till 9.30am.
Sometimes I take extra shifts during other times of the day just because I am bored at home doing nothing but feeling horribly fat.
What else? I finished a Korean drama series that I left half hanging last semester because I'd get too attached and would want to finish everything by a certain time. Now that I am free, I'm done watching that.
Lovers in Paris, not too bad. pretty old school. a lot of crying. What's new?
I stream GLEE on Fox.com after every Tuesday for the newest Glee episode.

Talk about GLEE, everyone kept asking me if I have heard from them.
Truthfully speaking, I really doubt that I will EVER from them because the thing about casting, especially in a show like this. They want diversity, and basically I am the exact same 'type' as TINA in Glee.

I am Asian, and I'm not like the typical skinny Asian stereotype.
I'm awkward and a lil chubby.
Therefore, they will never cast me.

But that's the thing about auditioning right?
You keep on going and going just to get yourself out there. You might go for 50 different auditions that has a role perfect for you but you might only get cast once.
Yup, gotta keep on trying. Keep trying.

For instance, there is an audition for Royal Caribbean Cruise production of CHICAGO coming up next Friday at Downtown Chicago, which I am dying to go to.
Like I said, deep in my heart, I know for sure that I will never get cast, just because you are basically dancing in nothing by lingerie during the entire show. Hence, you gotta be SKINNY.
And I know that I don't physically look like I can do it.
BUT, I'm just going to try it out. If I ever find a way to get there by 8.30 am on Friday.

Keep trying harder.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I've seen this video a long time ago but never bothered to put it up. I just thought that I should share this with you.

Amazing? Yes. I have never seen anything like this. Those girls were so talented, they make it look so easy but the dance was extremely technical at the same time. Sharp movements, pirouettes and all. I just did a dance performance at a Benefit Live Auction yesterday at Saugatuck for the theatre company that I will be working with for two months in two weeks, and the dance performance was about... say 2 minutes long with steps that didn't require as much technicality but probably as much stamina, and I must say. It was not easy at all. Kudos to them. Not only those girls were amazing in technique wise, they were excellent performers too and not everybody has both of those traits, at the same time. 

Watch the second video.

This video totally reminded me of my situation with the church about 3 and a half years ago when I took part in the Seventeen Star Search 2006 when the other finalists and I modeled for ROXY (which.... hello! is a surfing brand) at a water theme park. Beg you not, we were photographed playing beach ball and water guns. In short, CLEAN FUN. Nothing sexual. After the pictures came out and the church saw it, they made a huge hassle about me 'leading' the younger teenagers down the wrong path and all. For goodness sake, it wasn't as if I was modelling for Victoria Secret in a mall or anything. It was freaking ROXY for SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE. How 'dirty' could that be? Plus the most 'revealing item that I wore was nothing but a normal bikini top with a summer skirt! Not only the elders condemned me, they brought the entire situation to my then-boyfriend's parents and told them to tell my then-boyfriend, to tell me about it. =.=

Do you see anything sexual content in those pictures?


Wow. How could they turn such an innocent thing to something so twisted. If it was so bad, go to my parents then. Like the video, my parents were totally supportive of me. I did it for a clean talent competition. If it was not taken out of context (like if I was modeling in a bikini in somewhere else), it would not have been wrong. And my parents understood that. Since then, I was embarrassed to go to church. Trust me, I never doubted God. I just lost faith in mankind. If anyone were to ask me why did I backslide, I would say that would be the main reason why.

Haha. Why am I even talking about this old story of mine that happened so long ago? 

I really hope those girls don't ever get discouraged with people that have nothing else better to do.

Till then.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's All About Talent

Check him out at pauldateh.com.

Sometimes I don't know if videos like this inspire me or discourages me from being a performer.
Either or, it gives me goosebumps and I simply love it.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Diary,

I had my first rehearsal today since Chicago.

It is for a benefit event at Saugatuck for the theatre that I have worked with last Summer, and will be working with again come June. The purpose of the event is to raise fund for the Internship program of the theatre.

Rehearsal lasted from 9am through 4pm (supposedly 5pm, but we got done early because we weren't physically capable of doing so anymore, and we finished all the choreography).

Since I sprained my ankle, I have not worked out or danced at all (besides the Chicago performances which were easy peesy). Hence, I think my muscles are probably traumatized as I can still feel them shaking right now as I sit and blog here after dinner and my shower.

Over all, it feels good to dance again. I actually felt proud of myself for being able to pick up choreography after so long. Dancing makes me feel fit again, and I just can't wait till I start working at the theatre because I'll be doing a lot of that, and generally, I just know that I'll live a healthier lifestyle because I don't have anymore horrible cafeteria food to be around with.

I have absolutely no reason to blog, I should be sleeping now but I am still waiting for my hair to dry.

I'm planning to sleep right now at 7pm just so I can wake up at 12 midnight to get myself drunk. I figured that since I work at 6.30am every single morning, I have no opportunities to hangout with my friends at night at all. Therefore, I will wake up at 12 midnight to drink.

I still have work tomorrow. So, I'll either call in sick because I have not used any of my call in's for the past year and a half. OR I'll just drink, take a nap, and go work. OR I'll just go in work drunk since there won't be any important events happening at work anyway.

Don't worry mom, I won't make a fool out of myself. I won't do anything stupid at work to disappoint you.

wow. this is probably the most random post. ever.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Distressed and Confused

Let's not blame this on graduation blues, but have you ever felt the feeling of regret? Wishing that you have done this, hoping that you have done that. As of this moment, these past couple of days doing nothing and parasite-ing life, I feel like I've drowned myself in nonsense thinking and worst, not doing anything about it.

First of, I know that a Bacholer's in Fine Arts is not the best degree to have right now. I mean, as much as I hate to deny (trust me), it sucks that I have to come to admit and agree with the reality of actors not being able to do what they really want to do. In my case, unless I lose 25 pounds, I know that I will not be able to go anywhere, especially Asia. People tell me how much they envy the works that I do and enjoy, but secretly, how often does that opportunity come? Really? Unless I am bloody darn good (which I am not), I am just an average person trying get my head above water. 

Now that I have graduated, I am bombed with questions by random people who I care and not care about. "Congratulations! You ought to be proud of yourself, finally finishing your degree. What now?"
"Well, New York! Get a steady job to pay bills, and get myself out there. Auditions." I replied, trying to be a positive as I could.
"Owh, So you are going to be a waitress?"
"Well, yeah I guess, just to pay bills for the moment." God damn it. I always feel so small, like a bug being stepped on whenever I have to answer that question. I mean, yes! It is reality, and that is how thing are going to be for me. It just sucks that I just realized that I put myself so damn low to try to pursue what I love doing. Then, I start drowning myself in regrets and what if's.

I don't know if I am just being extremely pessimistic, or maybe a sore loser, looking for someone or something to blame. Whatever it is. I am angry. I am angry with the choices I made for the past couple years of my life. The biggest regret I used to have was that I lost my ballet shoes and didn't dare to tell mom about it. Fearing that I would get punished and spanked, I lied to her saying that I wanted to stop ballet. That, is the biggest dent in my performing career. If only I had continued... Gosh, sounds like a silly little thing, but it is an extremely huge deal to me. Now that I have graduated, my anger shifted towards the Malaysian Education System. Let's see, ask a high school senior, "So, what are the job occupations are you looking at?"
Stereotypically, the smarter ones would reply, "Medicine, Law, Engineering, Architecture." The less smart ones would always result in, "Culinary Arts, Business, Education, Travel and Tourism..." That's it. Now, no offence, I'm speaking stereotypically. There are always exceptions and the few smarties doing Education and what not, vice versa. but that is not my point.
Point is, aren't all of those occupation choices the same?! How often do you hear of high school graduates pursuing Real Estate? Dance? Physical Therapy? Heck, I was laughed and looked down at for choosing the Performing Arts. I remember daddy asking me if this was really what I wanted to do. I knew that his colleagues were comparing their children's achievements, and I was in a way 'letting him down' for not being a doctor whatsoever. Well, all I can say is that the reason why I chose what did was nothing close to having bad SPM results. In fact, I thought I did pretty well. Way above my parent's expectations. So choosing Performing Arts is and was not because I was stupid, it's because I wanted to.
Problem is that, I am regretting it. 

No, I am not regretting that I chose this path. I just wished that I did something alongside with my Fine Arts degree. After coming here and being exposed to the many other things and jobs in life that I could possibly pursue, I really regretted on not doing another degree alongside with what I really loved doing. By the time I realized that I had so many other interests, it was too little, too late. My education plan and funds has all already been planned, and if I changed something, I would either have to delay my graduation and spend more of my parents' money which would probably eat into their retirement fund, or... Well, there is no or. That is a big enough reason already. Which sucks. Big time.

There was just, so many other things that I could do. 
I could be a Real Estate Agent, work in my own time, meet with people.
I could be a Nutritionist Consultant, because I have developed such a huge interest in it.
I could be a Physical or Dance Therapist, because I get to work with muscle and movement related what nots.
I could have a Management or an Organizational Communications degree with my BFA, but I realized it too late.
So many regrets. So many "I could have's". All those things I have interests in, and definitely, I know that my brains are capable of absorbing those knowledge. Like I said, too late.
Now that I have graduated, I am on my own. Officially a non dependent on my parents, and officially jobless. FML.

I just feel like I have so much more to offer to the world. I truly do. I feel that I could do so much more but I am held down with knowledge and qualifications right now, just because I don't have a degree in it. It sucks that I am average in a lot of things and not good in something specific. Damn it, sometimes, I hate myself. I hate my decisions in life.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Point of No Return

I don't know where to start.
Have you ever felt that you are happy but you are not.
Sad but you are content.
Sure but confused.
Anxious yet excited.
Tired yet restless.

I don't even know what am I feeling.
I've changed my life so much within these past few months. Decisions that caused my life to go towards different routes. Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I didn't make a certain choice in life, if things would be different if I did or didn't meet a certain someone. I don't know. Guess all I can do is just, move on and see where life takes me. Right now, I just need to set my priorities straight. I just need to hop on that boat and take on a new life's journey to the point of no return.

I wish life isn't as complicated.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

They always say that you can't have everything.

This is an extremely dated post.
Maybe about a month ago? Hmmm...

Anyways, this thing, this bar, or chewy granola thing that I baked was inspired by Half Baked.
It was after baking all those yummy chocolate goodies, then I realized that I have oatmeal, and I love oatmeal. So why not try to bake something that has oatmeal in it and... less bad.

So after looking at some recipes online, I finally came up with a recipe of my own and created what I call..
The Everything Bar. Because it has everything thing good in it.

  • 1/2  cup firmly packed brown sugar
  • 1/2  cup granulated sugar
  • 1  cup fat free plain yogurt
  • 2  egg whites, lightly beaten
  • 1  cup apple sauce
  • 2  Tbsp. milk
  • 2  tsp. vanilla extract
  • 1-1/2  cups all-purpose flour
  • 1  tsp. baking soda
  • 1  tsp. ground cinnamon
  • 1/2  tsp. salt (optional)
  • 3  cups oats (quick or old fashioned, uncooked)
  • 1/2 cup pecans
  • 1/2 cup chopped walnuts
  • 1  cup raisins
  • 1 cup mixed dried blueberries, cherries, and cranberries
Heat oven to 350°F.

In large bowl, combine sugars, yogurt, egg whites, apple sauce, milk, and vanilla; mix well.
In medium bowl, combine flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt; mix well.
Add to yogurt mixture; mix well. Stir in oats and fruit.

Spread dough onto bottom of ungreased 13x9-inch baking pan.

 Bake 28 to 32 minutes or until light golden brown. Let bars cool for 10-15 minutes.

Optional (For sweet tooths’)
Cream Cheese Frosting with Strawberries

  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
  • 3 cups confectioners' sugar
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon lemon extract
  • Sliced strawberries (depending on how much you would like)

In a medium bowl, combine butter, cream cheese, confectioners' sugar and vanilla. Beat until the mixture is smooth and creamy. Frost the cooled bar.

Chocolate Frosting
  • 6 ounces dark chocolate
  • 2 Tbl. unsalted butter
Place coarsely chopped chocolate and the butter in a microwave-safe container and microwave at MEDIUM (50 percent power) for 1 1/2 to 2 minutes, until the chocolate turns shiny. Remove the container from the microwave and stir the chocolate until completely melted. Spread melted chocolate over the cooled oatmeal bars. Sprinkle with chopped nuts.

Make sure you wait till bars cool before you spread frosting or else it would melt!

And this is the end result :)


I am not so much of a sweet sugary fan, so if I ever bake this again, I would not have any frosting on it. I'd rather cut it up to pieces, and save em for a week or more's worth of breakfast. I you want it healthier, you can always add flax seeds, sesame seeds, etc. That's why It's called an Everything Bar.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Hey, As you all know that I recently submitted a video of myself for the GLEE Open Casting Call.

Just thought that I should share the video :)
It's nothing special. The reason why I chose those two songs was because we could only select one song out of the ten listed for the audition. I decided that singing one entire song would be boring, so I did a mash up (like one of their earlier episodes).

I won't be hearing from them anytime soon (unless they think I am fit for any of their roles), and I don't think I'll be hearing from them either just cuz I'm nothing special. Well, doesn't hurt trying :)

Yeah, I know I look incredibly angry when I sing.Got that temple frown from my mom. lol.

Till then.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Back to the Zoo


I apologize for not updating for the past two weeks. Life has been extremely hectic with bits and pieces of important events. Now that I finally had a chance to sit on in front of my computer, on my study chair, I have come to realize that everything flew by so quickly that it felt like a dream.
I just graduated. Daddykins and Lynn actually came by Kalamazoo for my graduation?! Wow. Seems like it happened, but not really. I can't explain this feeling; the only word I could use to describe everything is 'fast'.

Me and my graduation robe.
I was told that the reason why our graduation caps are flat because it represented us leaving school, balancing the knowledge that we have learned on your heads. So technically, you should always wear it flat because you don't want to tip, or 'spill' the knowledge that you have learned. However, I have a very small head (no brains, maybe). Even with 5 bobby pins holding the cap to my head, it still slides back. 
Boo. Maybe because my hair is just too silky. XD

The brown tassle that is attached to my graduation cap signifies the Fine Arts program. I don't know why did we get boring brown since we're considered the 'creative people'. I loved the Music schools pink tassle, but that's not up to us.

The yellow chord on my shoulders represents honors. So if you see people with yellow chords, it means that they are honorary students. I envy the other students who belong in fraternities and honors societies because they have more colored chords and sashes, each representing a frat. Like Kayla on the picture below.
She makes us look so... stupid. lol. More like boring.
So if you are a new student, or even if you are not, but still have yet to graduate, and you wanna look super cool, study hard and join an honors society. Or, you can go make yourself one :)

Since we're all in the same robe, the only way we would funk up was through our shoes. 
I wore my favorite color, purple that's if you could see those pumps on the right

Here's our Music Theatre Performance Class of 2010
From top left, Ahren, Sam, Jared, Billy
Bottom left, Kayla, Tiffany, Ashley, moi, and Alicia

Jump of joy? Jump of freedom?
I don't know. I am just relieved that I have no more assignments and finals.
Maybe cuz I am still here in Kalamazoo and have not moved out yet so I still have not officially felt the 'graduated' feeling. Yet.

Pre-Commencement Ceremony at the pond on campus with the bouquet that Daddykins and Darlynn bought for me. Sunflowers! My favorite. They always brighten up your day.

Although Mummydearest was not there, I was still surrounded by the people that I love.

Thanks Amin and Cheryl for the beautiful roses. I was never a huge fan of roses, just because they are so common.... until now! I loved the colors and it matched my eye shadow and shoes too!!!!!
Love love love you guys.

Daddykins and Lynn who came and supported. me :)
Thank you both.

Struting down the aisle with a huge ass smile on my face. Lol. How typical of me. My eyes are always so squinty, especially when I am anxiously smiling about something.

Shaking hands with the President of WMU.

I was so tiny, you can't even see me. Worst, I was short. While sitting in our rows, I couldn't even see Dad, Lynn, and the framily at the back because I was blocked by the uber tall angmohs.

Western Michigan University's Two Hundred and Ninety-Eighth Commencement
*wow. the school is so much older than Malaysia itself*

Since there wasn't a 'hat tossing ceremony' like the movies, (my guess was that it was too much of a hassle to go look for your hat after that few seconds of fun), our class decided to do it ourselves. It was hilarious because the wind happened to blow at the same time, and all our hats flew towards random people standing by the fountain. If they weren't looking, I bet they might have thought that we literally threw our hats at them.
It was actually recorded on the video below.

I'm so happy when my friend, Ahren sent me the link to this video. At least there was some documentation of the entire experience besides photographs :)
Remember to watch it to the end because those are the funny parts.

Once again, our Music Theatre Performance Class of 2010
Motto: Choose Enjoyment.
Song: I've Got a Feeling (that tonight's gonna be a good night) - Black Eyed Peas
Three years here at Western. Goodbye.

Picture purrfect.

*photo credits to Bobo, Darlynn, and Daddykins

Wow. I just graduated. Still can't believe it.
Now what?

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Officially Unemployed

I just got back from a trip with dad, Lynn, and the framily to Chicago.

I have so much to blog about, but I am about to crash.

Will update soon.

Before I forget, Happy Birthday BFF Wong Ming Wei! I will call you in a bit.