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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Distressed and Confused

Let's not blame this on graduation blues, but have you ever felt the feeling of regret? Wishing that you have done this, hoping that you have done that. As of this moment, these past couple of days doing nothing and parasite-ing life, I feel like I've drowned myself in nonsense thinking and worst, not doing anything about it.

First of, I know that a Bacholer's in Fine Arts is not the best degree to have right now. I mean, as much as I hate to deny (trust me), it sucks that I have to come to admit and agree with the reality of actors not being able to do what they really want to do. In my case, unless I lose 25 pounds, I know that I will not be able to go anywhere, especially Asia. People tell me how much they envy the works that I do and enjoy, but secretly, how often does that opportunity come? Really? Unless I am bloody darn good (which I am not), I am just an average person trying get my head above water. 

Now that I have graduated, I am bombed with questions by random people who I care and not care about. "Congratulations! You ought to be proud of yourself, finally finishing your degree. What now?"
"Well, New York! Get a steady job to pay bills, and get myself out there. Auditions." I replied, trying to be a positive as I could.
"Owh, So you are going to be a waitress?"
"Well, yeah I guess, just to pay bills for the moment." God damn it. I always feel so small, like a bug being stepped on whenever I have to answer that question. I mean, yes! It is reality, and that is how thing are going to be for me. It just sucks that I just realized that I put myself so damn low to try to pursue what I love doing. Then, I start drowning myself in regrets and what if's.

I don't know if I am just being extremely pessimistic, or maybe a sore loser, looking for someone or something to blame. Whatever it is. I am angry. I am angry with the choices I made for the past couple years of my life. The biggest regret I used to have was that I lost my ballet shoes and didn't dare to tell mom about it. Fearing that I would get punished and spanked, I lied to her saying that I wanted to stop ballet. That, is the biggest dent in my performing career. If only I had continued... Gosh, sounds like a silly little thing, but it is an extremely huge deal to me. Now that I have graduated, my anger shifted towards the Malaysian Education System. Let's see, ask a high school senior, "So, what are the job occupations are you looking at?"
Stereotypically, the smarter ones would reply, "Medicine, Law, Engineering, Architecture." The less smart ones would always result in, "Culinary Arts, Business, Education, Travel and Tourism..." That's it. Now, no offence, I'm speaking stereotypically. There are always exceptions and the few smarties doing Education and what not, vice versa. but that is not my point.
Point is, aren't all of those occupation choices the same?! How often do you hear of high school graduates pursuing Real Estate? Dance? Physical Therapy? Heck, I was laughed and looked down at for choosing the Performing Arts. I remember daddy asking me if this was really what I wanted to do. I knew that his colleagues were comparing their children's achievements, and I was in a way 'letting him down' for not being a doctor whatsoever. Well, all I can say is that the reason why I chose what did was nothing close to having bad SPM results. In fact, I thought I did pretty well. Way above my parent's expectations. So choosing Performing Arts is and was not because I was stupid, it's because I wanted to.
Problem is that, I am regretting it. 

No, I am not regretting that I chose this path. I just wished that I did something alongside with my Fine Arts degree. After coming here and being exposed to the many other things and jobs in life that I could possibly pursue, I really regretted on not doing another degree alongside with what I really loved doing. By the time I realized that I had so many other interests, it was too little, too late. My education plan and funds has all already been planned, and if I changed something, I would either have to delay my graduation and spend more of my parents' money which would probably eat into their retirement fund, or... Well, there is no or. That is a big enough reason already. Which sucks. Big time.

There was just, so many other things that I could do. 
I could be a Real Estate Agent, work in my own time, meet with people.
I could be a Nutritionist Consultant, because I have developed such a huge interest in it.
I could be a Physical or Dance Therapist, because I get to work with muscle and movement related what nots.
I could have a Management or an Organizational Communications degree with my BFA, but I realized it too late.
So many regrets. So many "I could have's". All those things I have interests in, and definitely, I know that my brains are capable of absorbing those knowledge. Like I said, too late.
Now that I have graduated, I am on my own. Officially a non dependent on my parents, and officially jobless. FML.

I just feel like I have so much more to offer to the world. I truly do. I feel that I could do so much more but I am held down with knowledge and qualifications right now, just because I don't have a degree in it. It sucks that I am average in a lot of things and not good in something specific. Damn it, sometimes, I hate myself. I hate my decisions in life.

1 comment:

DarLynn said...

My dear. I feel that way too all the time. I am sure that it is because you fear the crossroads in life as you prepare to embark on a new journey.

We have to admit it. Performing arts is a tough line wherever you are. However, i think that you should go out and 'piah' in the real world and see how far u can go. For all you know, you may be the few special ones that 'make it'. No one knows. Even if u don't, at least u can look back in future and say "I did my best" rather than live with "if only I..." regrets.

As for being a waitress...dude, I do that too. As long as it keeps the money coming in, whatever. You know u are not gonna do it forever. Also, keep in mind that many people eventually venture into careers that are not related to their degrees.

Stay positive okay. It's okay to cry and lament once in a blue moon but always remember that u are very lucky compared to many ppl.

U have a loving family that supports whatever you do. Even doing something stupid like sending their daughter overseas to pursue something as useless as musical theater.

*rolls eyes sarcastically*

They must have believed in you.