I was reading my daily reads today when I stumbled upon something that really caught my attention.
A poem fromPuan Chong's blog
I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
but left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh ! The things I learned from her,
when sorrows walked with me.
*Robert Browning Hamilton
Reading this poem is like hearing my parents talk to me. Mom always said,"Work hard while you are young. It's ok to fall and break some bones, you are still young."
Well mom, I feel like I am 25 years older than I am right now just because of how hard I've worked.
These past few months have been extremely rough. I felt like I have lost my sense of direction. I am sure that if you are a follower of this blog you might have noticed that I have been a little more down than my usual self. Someone close to me told me that I have changed since we both met (that was a month after moving to the city). He told me that I was extremely motivated and driven to pursue my dreams. I held the world in the palm of my hand and that was what made me attractive. 10 months later, probably a couple pounds heavier, I am this exhausted individual. Tired from grinding the streets and working so hard to survive but not for my art.
He said,"Yes you need to work hard. But you are not working hard on the right things. You should be working on your music, dance, and acting. Not weighing tables."
"But I have no money! I have to be practical"
"Yeah, but you have to know your purpose and reason of being here in the first place."
He does have a point.
He continued, "You also have this attitude of having to pay for your dues before achieving success. You are so afraid of taking advantage of what you have. Stop living as if you need to suffer before you succeed."
"That was how I grew up! That was drilled into my head since I was a kid. And you do have to work hard to succeed! Everyone pays their dues!"
"Yes, but you need to work smart. Don't just work hard."
I agree that I have been a little distracted from my goal just because alongside that, I have to work to save money so that I can pay for my tuition fees for dance school and my visa that I am about to apply for. I do sometimes fantasize that I am born into a wealthy family, one that I don't have to ever worry about money for. I also wished that the government would not be so strict about immigration rules just so that I can stay here and pursue my dream without paying so darn freaking much and sacrificing my freedom. It saddens me to know that all my savings would be gone to paying for school and the immigration office. It hurts me to know that I will not be able to work as much because of my student visa status, and I would have to live like a beggar for awhile.
Very often I would compare myself to the people who had it going easy, and I would hear daddy's voice saying,"If you ever want to compare, compare with people who are not as fortunate as you."
Yes, dad. I know. I just like to fantasize.
*This picture was taken the first week after moving to the States. The feeling of having the world on the palm of my hand. The dream that I know that I will achieve. I need to find that again.*
Like I've said before. I am a poor struggling artist.