I've been having troubles falling asleep recently. Those who know me would claim that I am the 'lucky few' who falls asleep the minute their head touches the pillow. Not that case anymore. I've been praised and envied with that ability, and now it is gone. I can't sleep with no one next to me, I can't sleep on a pillow that's too soft, I can't sleep without running through what I want to achieve in life, I can't sleep without thinking of what I want to do tomorrow, I can't sleep without thinking about nothing. I can't sleep. Period.
The lack of sleep affects me a lot more than I thought it would, such as my audition yesterday.
I am so angry with myself with the embarrassment I put myself through, I literally want to dig a hole in the ground to hide my face and disappear. I think I killed my confidence.
I got myself out of bed, headed to the city and had my name on the audition list at 7.15am (was told to come back at 2pm), went to the gym for a run and some weights. I made sure I didn't tire myself out because I knew that I had a long day ahead of me. Took a shower, grabbed a CLIF bar to fill my tummy up and headed to Sammy's place to record a song that I want to post on youtube.
Come 1.15pm, I start doubting that I should even go to the audition. I had a teeny bit of fatigue symptoms but I told myself that I had woken up early just to put my name on the list, I should bloody go for the audition even if I might not get seen.
Arrived at 2pm, was told to wait till 3pm.
3pm, was told to wait till 4pm after all the equity ladies who have been called back had their turns singing. I considered going home. I was hungry even though I already had an apple. Headaches whisked in and out of my head. No I should stay, I already waited this long.
4.15pm, was told that the casting people wanted to see all Asians. Wow. Rare opportunity. Changed into dance leotard and heels.
4.30pm, went in audition room with all the other Asian women, sees a prominent figure in the Asian theatre industry. Thought to myself, 'DO NOTHING BUT IMPRESS'. Obviously that did not happen.
The dance combination that they taught was simple and clean. I have done harder choreography than that, I could have easily caught it and done it right. Especially I've had intense ballet training over the past 6 months. I should do my teachers proud at the least! But no. My brains decided not to absorb anything that was taught, my legs acted as if they were someone else's, my arms... I don't know, they were just there hanging.
They separated us into groups and ran the choreography twice. At the end of it, I swore I saw pity their eyes as I was trying to run out of the room.
I think I've just went through the worst audition I have had in my life, in front of the entire Asian theatre community and THE prominent figure whom I shall not name.
I should have just stayed at home and slept.
Last night in bed, the scene in the audition room kept repeating itself over and over again in my head. Once again, insomnia.